Monthly Archives: March 2011
This is why I need to start drinking coffee. I never really liked the taste of coffee, but I always feel like I’m left out of a club almost everyone else is in and loves. I want to be in the position where I’m standing in line ready to place my mocha blah blah latte order when I’m bombarded with singles like a stripper from a crazed lunatic. This group of coffee drinkers doesn’t even flinch when this shit goes down. Some bitch is taking a picture of all the money and Tweeting about it. Meanwhile her bitchboy intern is just calmly looking on at the scene. I would have no shame whatsoever hopping on top of all that money, no problem. If some guy is crazy and rich enough to throw a hundred in the sky and bounce calmly, I’ll be the guy collecting that money every time. You’re just throwing this money away? Alright, I’ll clean it up for ya. No way this happens in McDonalds. The McDonalds crowd isn’t as polite as Starbucks customers. There would be hair pulling, throat punches, eye gouges. Thankfully though, this Starbucks employee collected all that money before the customers got too weirded out by being in the same room as all the free money.
PS – No one really believes this employee sent the money to Japan relief efforts right? I’ve worked shit cashier jobs, I know how much you get paid. There’s no way you’re collecting that money and not pocketing every penny of it.
BuzzFeed – Chris Brown was really pissed off after his interview on Good Morning America because Robin kept on asking him about Rihanna, so he broke a really big window and took his shirt off on the street.
Ok, so that interview apparently made Chris Brown really angry. And by angry, I mean he punched a window, took his shirt off and Tweeted. First off, I don’t know how this constitutes as Chris Brown losing his mind? I mean, don’t you remember what happened last time he lost his mind? (Ed. note: Google Rihanna’s battery pictures) This is a good way to relieve stress for him! Punching a window or pop star’s face? Gotta take the lesser of two evils. But honestly, Chris Brown needs to just shut the fuck up. He’s lucky that people still support his ass. Like they said, he fucked Rihanna up TWO years ago. That’s it. Till the day Chris Brown dies, if someone was to ask him about his pop star punching bag days, he needs to just put his head down and keep apologizing. And how dare he compare himself to Charlie Sheen? Are you serious bro? Charlie Sheen has goddesses that he gives cocaine, cars and cash to. You dance around like a little fairy and beat up on women. Apples and oranges buddy.
So the hype was 100% true. Jon “Bones” Jones absolutely dismantled Shogun Rua, one of the best Light Heavyweights in the game. From start to finish Jones had this in the bag, completely wearing Shogun out of his game in the first round. Rua could barely breathe 4 minutes into the 1st round and Jones looked like he could go 10 rounds. He was literally toying with the champ at some points, and I’ve never seen anything like that in recent memory. When you look at the fight totals, it gets scarier. Jones landed 102 punches with 72% accuracy. Shogun only landed 11 shots out of 42 for a pathetic 26% accuracy. The style of Jones was the reason for it, Shogun couldn’t get comfortable at any time in the stand up game because of the unorthodox style of the new champ. Jones is the future of MMA. He’s only been training for 3 years and he’s already on top of the world. He’s a phenom in every sense of the word, just gets better every single time he steps into the ring. Next step, facing former champion and his sparring partner Rashad Evans. Evans is no slouch but I don’t see anyone out right now in the Light Heavyweights that could face Jones and win in 5 rounds. To win a UFC title at the age of 23, with only 3 years training, is unbelievable.
Thank God that wasn’t the full video because that shit is unbearable. I have no idea why The Situation thought this was a good idea. Roasters need to be funny, quick on their feet, have a likeable personality and don’t give a fuck about anything. That’s the exact opposite of what this douchebag brings to the table. His life consists of staring in the mirror and flexing his abs, not practicing a stand up routine or telling jokes with his pals. He had the chance to prove how he isn’t just a tool that people should hate with a passion off the bat. Instead he somehow managed to surpass Trump by being the biggest asshole in a room. They even had to ban a racist joke he told about Snoop Dogg’s ancestors being property. For real bro? You’re lucky Snoop was high as fuck and pushing 40 because you wouldn’t have made it out of there alive 10 years ago.
The internet is so fucking brilliant sometimes its not even funny. For those of you that haven’t heard this monstrosity of a song, that’s Rebecca Black and she’s a viral machine right now. It’s gross how bad the song is, and even more disturbing how popular this little bitch is right now because of it. Here’s a tweet this preteen blasted for everyone to see…throwing the criticism back in everyone’s face.
That’s a picture of iTunes’ chart listing, and she has climbed to #74. It’s sitting right above one of the greatest songs in musical history, John Lennon’s “Imagine”, symbolically shitting all over our traditional idea of what actual musical talent is. Well I’m fucking happy for this little rich bitch. Her parents threw her to the wolves and she hasn’t even hit puberty yet. This girl doesn’t even realize she has no talent, she’s just a preteen singing and making music videos, this isn’t her fault. Her parents have officially fucked this chick up for life. She’ll never escape this music video. It will haunt her from high school, to college, and through her late 30s. She’ll most likely have a drug problem by the time she’s 15. But fuck it, it’s Friiiiiidaaaayyy!
Just some good old fashioned crazy right here. This is the perfect image to represent St. Patty’s Day as a whole, just a drunken mess of bad decisions. Busey’s obviously on top of his game, and he’s trying to prove that he was the original Charlie Sheen. Busey was winning back when Charlie was only dreaming of a stable of pornstars. He doesn’t give a fuck about a damn thing. He’ll spout off nonsense about being God and the next second he’ll jump on stage and work the pole as soon as The Pussycat Dolls comes on. I guarantee you he made about $450 in singles after this performance. He had to, he was looking like Ric Flair, strutting all over the place and slaying the bitches.
Yup, St. Patty’s Day is finally here and it’s like Christmas here in Boston. Living in Southie is obviously ideal, and the parade over the weekend will be a shitshow like always. If you’re not Irish, fuck it, get drunk with us and pretend you’re cool for one day out of the year. But seriously, the first non-Irish person that screams “Kiss me I’m Irish” drunkenly is getting punched in the back of the head. And to all of you non-Southie residents that will flood my great city on Sunday for the parade…don’t be dicks. You’re lucky we’re cool with the festivities (obviously) and let you in on it, don’t be bad guests. Anyway, get drunk, it’s Irish New Years! I’ll leave with an old Irish saying, “There are only two kinds of people in the world, The Irish and those who wish they were.” Cheers!
ESPN - Ray Allen and the Boston Celtics take a lot of pride in their defense, so this one was a gem. For Milwaukee Bucks coach Scott Skiles, it was embarrassing. Allen scored 17 points in just three quarters and the Celtics set a franchise record for fewest points allowed in the shot-clock era, routing the Bucks 87-56 on Sunday. “I think playing defense perfectly is our goal,” Allen said. “That’s what we shoot for, but a team can still score while you’re doing that.” Not this time. “That’s about as humiliating a defeat as you’ll ever see,” Skiles said. “They got us on our heels and took our competitive fight away from us. We pretty much just gave into it.” Milwaukee was coming off 102-74 home win over Philadelphia on Saturday. When the Bucks flew east to Boston, they lost an hour to the Eastern time zone and then another hour to daylight savings time. And when the 6 p.m. EDT start arrived on Sunday, they plodded their way to all of nine points in the first quarter. “You could see they were tired,” Boston coach Doc Rivers said. “So, we took advantage and that was great, but a lot of it had to do with their schedule.” The Celtics held the Bucks to just 38 points through three quarters — an NBA record, according to the Elias Sports Bureau. They clinched the new franchise low when Milwaukee’s Keyon Dooling missed a pair of free throws with 22 seconds remaining. The Bucks had more turnovers (nine) than field goals (eight) in the half and were outrebounded by Boston 27-17 in the first two periods.
So do the Boston faithful believe in Danny Ainge yet? I mean seriously, this city was about 3 losses away from rioting the city when we traded Perkins and dumped all the other bench players. But he came through, got solid players in return for the value, and we’re dominating teams all night. Just completely shutting them down from start to finish and make them embarrassed to play against us. The Bulls have the record for least points in a game with 49 in 1999, and we only let the Bucks get 7 more than that. That’s unreal. Anyone that thought we’d be in trouble in the playoffs is dumb. Honestly, the way we’re looking now, I’d be surprised if anyone could beat us in a 7 game series. Barring injury, we’re gonna be hoisting up another banner very fucking soon.
Just straight ol’ crazy up and down this whole video. Clearly the ramblings of a crazy man talking about his doctorate in white people, baby nipples, and George W. Bush being a revolutionary. Just seamlessly transitioning from boxing is life, to African babies and Greek plays. No idea why a camera is in his old face, or what he’s promoting, or whatever, but I’m on board. This man is an institution, and if he tells me that he knows what’s best for my white ass, then I’m backing it. I honestly thought Don King was dead though, and if he wasn’t wearing the same denim jacket he’s had since 1994, I woulda thought it was a Frederick Douglas impersonator. I needed something like this to remind me why the internet is so great. The Charlie Sheen updates are less frequent, but Don King is here to pick up the crazy slack. Speaking of which, who woulda thought someone could do Charlie Sheen almost as good as Charlie Sheen? Don King is fucking winning.
Daily Mail - A high school student jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge in front of stunned classmates – and survived. It is believed he made the 220ft plunge from the notorious suicide spot for a dare. The 17-year-old clambered over 4ft railings before leaping into the waters below as his schoolmates cheered him on. The suicide spot in San Francisco kills dozens of people each year when they make the same terrifying leap from the iconic bridge. Most who jump die as a result of the fall but, incredibly, the student who had been urged by classmates to leap as a dare lived to tell the tale. A statement from his school said he suffered no severe injuries beyond bruising and tenderness. He was rescued by a surfer who paddled over and took him ashore, California Highway Patrol Officer Chris Rardin said. ‘It’s a miracle in itself,’ Rardin said. ‘The majority of folks do not survive this type of fall.’ Windsor Unified School District Superintendent Bill McDermott said he did not think the teen was trying to commit suicide. He said that he believed he jumped after other students from Windsor High School in Sonoma County urged him on. Other students are said to have watched as the teenager went over the railing. An ambulance rushed the teenager to a San Francisco General Hospital. Officials couldn’t provide further details Thursday night on his condition. Someone leaps off the iconic bridge an average of once every two weeks – last year, 32 people died. Around 98 per cent of those plunges end up being fatal and authorities rule most of those deaths suicides. The student did not jump from the centre of the bridge – which is 250ft – but leapt from an area between Fort Point and the South Tower. There were around 45 pupils and two teachers taking part in the field trip. At least two of the students are believed to have tweeted about the jump while they were still on the trip. The Marin County Coroner’s Office and the Golden Gate Bridge, Highway and Transportation District have said that up to 1,500 people have died after jumping off the bridge since it opened in 1937.
So I guess the old question, “would you jump off a bridge if your friends did?” question is answered. That shit is obviously “no.” This kid has balls of steel, and I damn sure wouldn’t try and mimic what he did here. Jumping off the “suicide spot” of the bridge on a dare might raise a red flag in most people’s heads. Not this kid. He doesn’t see almost certain death, he see’s a gauntlet his asshole friends are throwing down to him. No one wants a field trip of students yelling about how they’re a pussy if they don’t climb the rail and jump into the ocean. Very convincing friends here. “Dude, 32 people died last year in that same spot, jump off it, you can make it!” Stupidity aside, this guy must be getting laid left and right after this. He’s like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable. Just shitting all over people’s perception of mortality. Chicks were tweeting about his manhood before he even hit the water. If I was this kid and survived I’d seriously think I was a superhero of sorts. I’d be dead within a day because I’d be out tackling trucks and foiling robberies like it ain’t no thang.