Monthly Archives: April 2011
Who Stole the Meat From the Cooking Pot?
Wow…just epic, epic winning right here. This is the Africanized version of R Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet,” and it’s way better. I mean, I gotta break this down frame by frame because it’s all gold. First off, I like how the dude that looked like a pimp was pulled away from a bumpin party to settle the dispute about who stole the meat, a common argument I’m sure in Africa. Then he gets in his Pimp Toyota and pulls up to a mansion I’m sure wasn’t owned by anyone in the video. I mean honestly, if you lived in a mansion like that, you wouldn’t be worried about some meat going missing. You’d have a plethora of cooking pots with rare meat from around the world. And who just leaves meat hanging around in a pot at all times? Seems like you just want that shit to get stolen. Anyway, the back and forth ballad was amazing, and I’m pretty sure this is going to be my new ringtone. And, I may still be high, but I’m 97% sure the father was speaking in tongues and no discernible language, either way, really wish I understood it. Finally, the climax, as the two realize they must not have stole the meat, so who did? Duh duh daaaahhhhh…the fat bitch! Of course! To be continued? Count me in!
Boxers Attacks Referee After He’s Disqualified
Buzzfeed – Khoren Gevor, an Armenian-German boxer and former EBU Middleweight champion, beats referee Manfred Küchler, furious after being disqualified. Gevor was blamed for the incident in the tenth round, when both fighters slammed hard on the mat and his opponent Robert Stieglitz suffered a bad cut above the right eye.
Bad form. Just all around bad fucking form. Not the whole attacking the referee thing, I’m alright with that. Shit, I’m not gonna judge what happened, I didn’t see it. Maybe this Khoren Gevor guy was fucked over royally by getting disqualified. Maybe this ref deserved it. Whatever, I’m not judging. But what I have a problem with is how this guy attempted the beating. There were like 30 guys in the ring separating him from Manfred the ref. So he walks the perimeter calmly. So far so good. But then he just hits him with a weak hook in the side and then one or two skimming punches off the back. Done, peeled off, ding ding. Weak sauce. He should of got right up in Manfred’s grill mix, make it like he’s asking a question, and then BOOM right hook to the chin, he’s done. You’re a boxer, he’s a 65 year-old ref. Any attack that you initiate on him should end with him on the mat and you walking away. Instead you get pulled off playground style after a shove and look like a pussy.
Red Sox Notch First Win Over Yankees After Passionate Theo Epstein Speech
ESPN - Our long (not so national) nightmare is over. Red Sox win! Red Sox win! Red Sox win! The beleaguered players admitted it has been tough to sleep since the losses began mounting. Losing often breeds doubt and negativity, so general manager Theo Epstein, a normally low-key and somewhat elusive figure in the Red Sox clubhouse, made a rare foray into his team’s inner sanctum and delivered an impassioned pregame speech to remind them they are a championship-caliber team that would emerge stronger from their recent struggles. Slugger David Ortiz said Epstein’s words were both inspiring and surprising. “I was shocked,” admitted Ortiz. “Theo doesn’t talk. Sometimes he walks right by you and doesn’t see you.” If the general manager had been speechless over his team’s recent play, who could blame him? Epstein went out and assembled a lineup that cost $160 million and was forecasted to be the best in baseball. The pressure was mounting. The Sox came home with some trepidation, unsure how their discerning fans would respond to a team that was clearly scuffling. Epstein’s pre-emptive move to bolster his players was met with almost universal approval. “Once in a while the lead man has got to light the fire,” said Jonathan Papelbon, who pitched a dominant ninth inning to close out the win. “Thats what he did. He let us know we’re a good team. And when it comes from the top, it trickles on down.” David Ortiz has been down this road before. His notoriously slow starts have led to wild speculation in recent years that he was all done, that he could no longer hit, only to rebound in the final months to post respectable numbers. “Before I saw it totally differently,” Ortiz said. “Before it was, ‘What the [expletive] is going on? People want to go crazy after 10 games.’ But now I see it. This is the Boston Red Sox, not the Pittsburgh Pirates. I’m not trying to say anything bad about their organization, but you know what I mean. “Every hit, every play, every at-bat, every swing, these people, they care. They worry about everything, and sometimes it gets out of hand. “Trust me, there were a lot of sad faces these past six games. Even [with] the guys who had good games.” The theory is that once the new players settle into their new uniforms and their new routines, the Red Sox will come together and begin to resemble the team that so many baseball experts predicted would win 100 games.
So the Sox break out of the terrible, terrible slump, and they do it over the Yankees. Sweet. But I’d really like to know more about this speech Theo gave than anything. I didn’t even see the game, I was working, but if this speech is what lit the fire under these guys asses to win, then I wanna know what was said. Because I can’t imagine quiet, squirrely, little Theo making a Al Pacino in “Any Given Style” kind of speeches. He’s not gonna be the guy in the trenches with the players that is fighting side by side to eek out a win. The only thing I can picture is him going the fuck off in the locker room. Just apeshit nuts all over these sorry saps. All down in the dumps after going 0-6, feeling bad about themselves. Then Theo comes kicking the door in, shoving Carl Crawford’s contract in his face, dick whipping the starting rotation, and making death threats to Youk. Just going all Full Metal Jacket on their ass. That’s the only way I see this going down. For it to impress Paplebon that much, you know it must have been a serious meltdown on the team. Well done Theo. You single-handedly whipped this rag tag crew of misfits together and got immediate results. We might be 1-6, but we’re 1-0 against New York, amiriight??
Manny Ramirez Retires Due To Positive Drug Test
ESPN - Manny Ramirez walked away from baseball on Friday, abruptly ending the mercurial career of one of the most talented — and tainted — hitters to ever play the game. The slumping Tampa Bay Rays slugger tested positive for a performance-enhancing drug during spring training, sources told ESPN.com, and informed Major League Baseball that he would retire rather than face a 100-game suspension. “I’m at ease,” Ramirez told ESPNdeportes.com via phone from his home in Miami. “God knows what’s best [for me]. I’m now an officially retired baseball player. I’ll be going away on a trip to Spain with my old man.” Ramirez served a 50-game suspension for violating the drug policy in 2009 while he was with the Los Angeles Dodgers, and second-time offenders get double that penalty. “We were obviously surprised when we found out about it today and hurt by what transpired,” said Rays vice president Andrew Friedman, who signed Ramirez to a $2 million, one-year contract in the offseason. “We were cautiously optimistic that he would be able to be a force for us.” Had Ramirez accepted his suspension, he would have become the first player to be suspended twice for a performance-enhancing drug violation since the program went into effect in 2005. The only previous player to be punished twice for any type of drug-related violation was infielder Neifi Perez, who served two suspensions in 2007 for positive amphetamine tests. After he was informed of this violation, he notified the commissioner’s office that rather than appeal or serve another suspension, he was simply announcing his retirement. By retiring, he avoided having MLB formally announce that he’d violated the Joint Drug Prevention and Treatment Program. Instead, MLB issued a release stating only that it had informed Ramirez of “an issue” under that program, and he had chosen to retire. “Major League Baseball recently notified Manny Ramirez of an issue under Major League Baseball’s Joint Drug Prevention and Treatment Program,” the statement said. “Ramirez has informed MLB that he is retiring as an active player. If Ramirez seeks reinstatement in the future, the process under the Drug Program will be completed.” MLB said it would have no further comment.
Alright, so first off, I hope no one is shocked by this news. Honestly, Red Sox fan or not, it’s no surprise that Manny was using performance enhancers most of his career. But his entire tenure with the Sox, he was embraced as a fan favorite. And in Boston, if you’re a fan favorite, you’re set for life unless you defect to the enemy. Manny was a rock star, and his raw hitting ability won him millions of fans. We put up with his jogging down the line on ground balls, making terrible plays in the outfield and being an all-around jackass at times. We dismissed it by saying it was just Manny being Manny. For that, we won 2 World Series and in return we all collectively looked away at the huge, jacked, elephant in the room. Manny was using, almost everyone had to know it. You really think Theo didn’t take all of that into account when he dealt him off to LA? Soon after that he gets hit with his first suspension. Then he gets a rebound contract in Tampa but got caught with PEDs. But you gotta sorta respect the man for just bowing out now. If I got caught a second time for performance enhancers, there’s no denying it at that point. You’re done. Fans will hate you, your numbers would always be questioned, the media will tear you apart. Why serve the suspension and come back to packs of rabid fans and reporters? Fuck that. Manny ain’t about that shit. Too much of a hassle. Instead, he pisses dirty in a cup, puts his retirement papers in and makes plans for a fishing trip with his father. It’s kind of fitting in a way. Manny being Manny I guess.
PS- I think I have a hunch who was hooking Manny up with the rhoids…
Just saying…
It’s Friday
Ahh, it’s Friday and it feels good. Nothing like some Stephen Colbert and The Roots singing the now classic “Friday.” Just beautifully done. The weekend is aiming to be amazing in Boston, so it’s finally gonna feel like the spring. On a personal note, I’ll be moving into my new apartment NEXT Friday, and it’s gonna be equally as awesome, so the blogs might be scare from me closer to that date. Get over it, I’ll be back with a vengeance.
PS – Didn’t you think Taylor Hicks was dead or doing Bar Mitzvah’s in Kentucky or something?
Good Morning…Here’s a Gospel Song About Breakfast
Minister Cleo Clariet and his fiancé Katherine Lane are shown singing on “The Kay Bain Show” in Tupelo, Mississippi in May or June of 2004. Clariet passed away from congenital heart disease on Dec. 13, 2004. Lane said he would have been thrilled to know his song is now entertaining so many people.
First off, bravo. This is amazing, honestly amazing. Everything about this is why the internet is perfect. To all you aspiring viral video producers…if you want your shit to go viral, follow this lead. Rest in Peace Cleo, you were truly one of the best allegorical breakfast gospel singers in the world. The verse with nothing but breakfast cereals? Genius. Having your fiance with a terrible (terrible!) haircut sway back and forth and whisper the words? Brilliant. But light bread? Beef stew? What the fuck were you eating for breakfast, Cleo? Come on man, of course there won’t be any need for a breakfast when you’re clogging your arteries before noon every day. Guess Cleo knew he didn’t have many more breakfasts left in him, so he left us all with this Breakfast/God Song, and for that I’m thankful. RIP Cleo, hope you have some grits and oatmeal with Jesus!
Dinosaur Puts Pedophile in His Place
Quite possibly one of the greatest videos to hit the net in recent memory. This is what made the 90s amazing. Only during that time period would this idea pitch get green-lighted for a PSA production. What better way to teach children how creepy and sketchy people can be than having a yellow dinosaur from the streets save them from said rapists? Cocaine is a hell of a drug, huh? When he punched through the safe I lost it, and when he shouted at the dinosaur that he wasn’t any better than him, I peed a little. I feel so much more complete now knowing that this will always be online for me to watch when I’m feeling bad.
Don’t Worry…You’re Not High (Maybe You Are)
Just two OG’s flexing on them ho’s, nahmsayin? Wish I could be a fly on the wall during this encounter. Is this real life?
5,000 Year Old Caveman is Found in Czech Republic, is Totally Gay
Meet a Homosexual Caveman, clearly taking it up the ass in the afterlife, as was the ritual #sick
DailyMail - Five thousand years after he died, the first known gay caveman has emerged into the daylight. According to archaeologists, the way he was buried suggests that he was of a different sexual persuasion. The skeleton of the late Stone Age man, unearthed during excavations in the Czech Republic, is said to date back to between 2900 and 2500 BC. During that period, men were traditionally buried lying on their right side with the head pointing towards the west; women on their left side with the head facing east. In this case, the man was on his left side with his head facing west. Another clue is that men tended to be interred with weapons, hammers and flint knives as well as several portions of food and drink to accompany them to the other side. Women would be buried with necklaces made from teeth, pets, and copper earrings, as well as domestic jugs and an egg-shaped pot placed near the feet. The ‘gay caveman’ was buried with household jugs, and no weapons. Archaeologists do not think it was a mistake or coincidence given the importance attached to funerals during the period, known as the Corded Ware era because of the pottery it produced. From history and ethnology, we know that people from this period took funeral rites very seriously so it is highly unlikely that this positioning was a mistake,’ said lead researcher Kamila Remisova Vesinova. ‘Far more likely is that he was a man with a different sexual orientation, homosexual or transvestite. What we see here does not add up to traditional Corded Ware cultural norms.’ An oval, egg-shaped container usually associated with female burials was also found at the feet of the skeleton.
Well that’s pretty crazy huh? You know this is gonna piss off the Holy Rollers of the world. This much blatant homosexuality thrown in their faces really chaps their asses. But this makes me wonder how people could be intolerant of gays even in today’s society. Anyone that really gets pissed off about what two people do to get their rocks off, has something wrong with them. They’re either borderline retarded, highly religious or in the closet themselves. These cavemen could live with it. They gave Brucey a cushy housewife type job in the village and didn’t mind him gaying it up, as long as it wasn’t with them I suppose. And yet here we are in 2011 and we’re still as split as other about whether gays can marry. Only in America! Only on Earth!
PS Rant – I really wanna have an extravagant burial ritual when I die. Starting with a wake. I want to be dressed in an Adidas track suit, wearing sunglasses and gold chains. Then I want to be propped up on a set of turntables on stage at a club where we’ll have a wake/rave. People will get their eulogy’s out of the way, shed a little tears, and say their goodbyes. Then the party starts, strippers hit the stage around me, and ecstasy is passed out to everyone in attendance. Then when I’m buried, I want to be buried with a golden samurai sword, a Red Sox hat, a bunch of photos and a handle of Captain Morgan. At the graveyard I want a D-List celebrity to deliver the last words as well. I wanna have fun with it you know, go out with a bang. I want people to be like, “Yo, even when Buck was dead he was having a bomb ass time.”
Kid Loves The Yankees…Father Makes Him Cry For It
This kid better shut his mouth and start agreeing with his father. he’s about three seconds away from getting beat. Like, I’m pretty sure that the camera shut off right before this guys fist connected with that crying head. But the kid is totally asking for it. Trying to be different for the sake of being different, lying that other people love the Yankees, defying his father who probably just watched the Sox lose the third straight. Kids these days. I swear I would have made this kid cry way harder. He gets all c0nsoled by the older brother, wearing a Red Sox shirt, and that’s bullshit. I would have put this kid in a Yankees shirt and put him on time out on Landsdowne. Fuck it, we don’t need him as a fan, he’s a crying idiot that can’t even say Yankees right. Someone get this father a real kid.
